If you've ever started dating a guy and it feels great...He's being honest and kind, and the relationship is escalating. And then all of a sudden, out of nowhere things start deteriorating.
He stops being as communicative.
He's not texting you as much.
Maybe he's not asking you out or meeting up with you in person as much.
And you're wondering what's going on. This was going so great...
Did I do something?
Was he never really interested?
Did he exaggerate to me about wanting commitment? He said he wanted commitment...
Why would he lie?
If you're asking yourself any of these questions, read on because I'm gonna go into why some of these men pull away and what you should do about it.
Okay, so there are a few reasons why a guy might be pulling away.
Number one, he could be punishing you. You literally, you might have done something that he didn't appreciate. And his way of maintaining a power or dynamic is just not to give you as much energy or attention. He's letting you know, Hey, I'm a pretty big deal. That's just game playing.
Number two. He just really legitimately might not value you or the relationship. He might just be moving on and you might not know it.
Or number three, he just could be dealing with a situation in his life or the relationship. Maybe there's a values misalignment. Maybe one of you said or did something that is emotionally taxing or weighing on him in some way… And he doesn't have the emotional strength to deal with it. He could be a coward and just pulling away because he doesn't want to deal with it.
Now there are other reasons as well.
But the problem is you'll never really know… because he's not going to admit it. So it's best for you not to sit there and ruminate or try to go on a fact finding mission to figure out why he's pulling away. Because you will likely never know and spending time trying to figure it all out is most likely going to end up making you feel like crap and not being helpful to your self-esteem or the relationship itself.
So the first tip here is that I implore you not to worry about the reasons why. You're gonna have to let it go. Because like I said, even if you ask him, even if you bring it up with him, he could lie to you about it.
If he doesn't have the emotional fortitude to address the situation straight on, then he's certainly not going to tell you the truth when you confront him with it. Or if he doesn't value the relationship, there's no incentive for him to be honest with you. And even if he really, really cares about you and about the relationship, he might not have the emotional fortitude or willingness to really talk about it. He might not know how to address it. So there's just no good reason to search for the cause.
So what do you do?
I can tell you what a lot of women do, which causes more problems. The first thing that they do is they really feel like they're being a victim to this guy and they blame him. They say, why is he doing this? Why is he pulling away? They point a finger at him.
Now this does a couple of things that are unhelpful...
Number one, it just turns you into a blamer and into a victim. And again, this doesn't ultimately help the relationship.
The second path that you could take is trying to save the relationship, trying to create a conversation and get it to be good again. And that's just really trying to rescue him, trying to save him from being a jerk, trying to salvage a relationship that won’t work.
And neither of these things really help you. You're taking guys that might not be so great. And you're pulling them up the relationship hill with you. It's just not helpful.
So what do you do? Well, I think there's really only two choices here.
If a guy starts pulling away and stop showing interest in you I encourage you to move on and focus on men who will show interest in you, focus on people who will invest in you and in the relationship.
Don't show him that you're someone who will actually invest their time and their energy and their love into a who isn't reciprocating. It just lowers your value and actually makes you less attractive to him.
Or the second thing that you could do if you've been in a relationship with this guy for several months, if you've seen him invest in you and maybe you really, really want to give this a chance, then I encourage you to state your needs. Tell him what it is that you need in a relationship.
This is one of the most foundational tools and skill sets that you can have as a partner...is telling the other person what your needs are.
And then he has two options. He can either work to fill those needs or not. And then you have your answer. Is this someone who values me? Is this someone who actually wants to be in a relationship with me or not?
When a guy pulls away, this is really what separates great relationships from horrible relationships, In horrible relationships you try to stick with it. You try to rescue the guy or you try to blame him and push him into being a better partner…that ultimately never works.
Or you can explicitly tell him what you need and give him a chance to level up, to step up, and be the man that you need him to be. And if he doesn't do that, you have your answer. It's hard. This is not an easy thing to do. It takes courage and it takes a commitment to self love and to your own standards.
But if you raise your standards and if you actually walk away from a guy, what you might find is that guy might realize that he messed up and come chasing back and ask for a second chance. And then it's up to you now.
Obviously you gotta be careful, but if you want to give him a second chance to step up, you can and this is why standards are so important. And I implore you and I encourage you to find the strength and surround yourself with other women that support you in having the strength to hold onto your highest standards.
Want to go a little deeper on this topic? I've created a whole course called Why Great Guys Pull Away that goes into the science of male commitment and the strategies that help you create lifelong bonds with a guy you're dating.